What's In a Zip Code?

Until a couple of days ago I was completely unaware of the importance of my zip code. Sure, I cared about it enough to make certain I got all five numbers right on my credit card applications and on those cute puppy dog return address labels that I have, but never thought twice about what those little numbers said about who I am as a person. I had always thought that’s what Prada labels were for. Of course, all of that has changed now.

Apparently, on the island of Manhattan, your zip code is a powerful asset that says as much about who you are as the family you came from, the job you hold, and your wardrobe. It tells others whether you are new money, old money, young and hip with money, middle class, gay, straight, Jewish, or Italian. For example, if you live in my zip code (10036) it means that you are likely young and gay and can’t afford to live in the more affluent gayborhood of Chelsea (10011). In my case, it’s more accurate than a recent astrology report.

I found out the importance of zip codes while on an awful date with a man I now refer to as “West Village Guy”. We met for a drink in the Village at a hip underground jazz club. Things were off to a great start when I began talking about how much I love the Village – my first mistake. Within moments I was hearing all about how tourists, uptowners, and bridge and tunnel folks (people who live in Jersey or one of the other New York boroughs and thus access Manhattan through a bridge or tunnel) are ruining the Village vibe. He complained of long waits at restaurants, overcrowded bars, and too many investment bankers. His solution: every establishment in the Village should require patrons to provide proof of zip code when entering; if it’s not 10014, you’re out.

I was incredulous. True, the Village attracts a number of people from around the city to its quaint restaurants and tree-lined streets, but it’s not a gated suburban community. It’s a vibrant and culturally important part of the city that should be available for all to enjoy. West Village Guy disagreed vehemently: "I never come to Hell’s Kitchen and eat in your restaurants", he said, "why should you come to the Village and over-crowd mine?". Needless to say, the date ended quickly and there will not be another. It wasn’t meant to be – 10036’s just aren’t compatible with 10014’s (or so says the latest numerology report in the Enquirer).

As I talked to friends about this experience I found that apparently I was the freak in this situation. How could I not know the importance of a zip code? One friend is in the process of buying an apartment and said he only looked at places in 10014 - he just couldn’t handle the shame of living in 10013 or 10012. And apparently there were nearly riots on the Upper East Side last year when they split 10021, possibly the most prestigious zip code in the country, into three different codes. Residents feared that the value of their land would drop and that they would be cut from certain elite social circles. You can imagine the pearls and chardonnay flying in that fight.

So, what’s a boy to do? I obviously can’t afford 10014 or 10021, so I did what any self-respecting Prada-wearing gay man would: I lied on my driver’s license application. It’s not like they check those things, right?